I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
