yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
