he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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