You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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