His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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