last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
