i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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