You're so nebulous sometimes
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
