I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
