She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
