you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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