my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
