I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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