Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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