i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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