i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
