tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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