11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
