Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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