and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
