she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
