he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
