omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
