if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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