I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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