just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
