i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
