i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
