I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
