Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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