he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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