My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
