I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
