go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
