Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
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