i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
