i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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