matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
