So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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