Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
