I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
