I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
