We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
