You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
