I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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