Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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