I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
