When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
you inspire me to be a worse person
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
