That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
