It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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