Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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