Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
