I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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