we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
