the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
