I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
its liver damage thursday
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
