I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I want to be your penis for a week.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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